Dialogue

Do you feel like your dialogue is flat? Most likely, the problem isn’t what your characters are saying, but how you have them say it, and what they’re doing while they say it. In this post I’ll go over some of the most common dialogue mistakes and how to correct them.

Throughout the demonstration, I will use the section of dialogue below, and fix each problem piece by piece until we end up with the section of dialogue you’ll see at the end. When you’ve finished reading, go back and compare the two. You’ll see a world of difference.

“There’s a whole lot of evil out there,” he sighed.
“There’s a whole lot of evil in here, too,” she said. “Are you scared?”
“A little, you?” He said.
“Kinda nervous,” she admitted.

OVERUSED DIALOGUE TAGS: This dialogue contains way too many dialogue tags. It leaves the conversation feeling repetitive and forced. Almost awkward. You don’t need to constantly be reminded who is speaking when it’s already clear enough. (In a conversation between three or more people, however, you will find the need for more dialogue tags to keep things clear.) Let’s fix this by removing some of those pestering tags.

“There’s a whole lot of evil out there,” he sighed.
“There’s a whole lot of evil in here, too,” she said. “Are you scared?”
“A little, you?”
“Kinda nervous.”

ADDING ATTITUDE: See? Now that the unnecessary dialogue tags are gone, the conversation feels a little more natural. But… something’s still missing. The word sighed gives us a hint at the emotions that are playing out in this scene, but hardly enough. Add in some small actions that show the mood of the characters.

He gazed out at the night surrounding
them and sighed. “There’s a whole lot
of evil out there.”
  “There’s a whole lot of evil in here,
too.”
  He lowered his head. For a while,
neither uttered a word. 
  “Are you scared?” She whispered.
  He glanced at her, expecting a chal-
lenging grin, but she her face seemed
clouded over. “A little,” he admitted.
“You?”
“Kinda.”

Notice how the simple actions set the mood? Now you can sense pauses in the conversation, and the words feel more alive. Notice how some words were taken out altogether or moved. This isn’t always necessary, but it shows that you can fiddle and switch things around until you get exactly what you want. I also added some paragraph indentations to make things a little clearer for you.

Keep in mind that just as dialogue tags can be overused, actions can as well. If you drop an action tag after ever single line of dialogue, you have the same problem as with the dialogue tags. Sometimes it’s best to just leave well enough alone.

Note: Typically if the pronouns (he, she, they, etc.) start to feel repetitive, you’ll want to replace them with the character’s name. I didn’t in this case, just as an example.

EXTRA

I often see dialogue that, overall, has been written wonderfully, but the punctuation leaves it a mess. Be careful with this!

#1. All punctuation must be INSIDE the quotation marks.

“This is crazy”! She exclaimed. “I can’t believe it”.

Incorrect. The period after the word exclaimed is perfect, but the exclamation point and the last period need to be moved inside the quotation marks.

#2. When you use action instead of a dialogue tag, do not use a comma at the end of the quote, but any other punctuation mark.

“This is crazy,” She shuddered, “I can’t believe it.” INCORRECT
“This is crazy.” She shuddered, “I can’t believe it.” INCORRECT
“This is crazy.” She shuddered. “I can’t believe it.” CORRECT
“This is crazy,” she whispered. “I can’t believe it.” CORRECT

In the first line, there are two misused commas. In the second, there is only one. It’s placement ties in with the error I’ll go over next. But for now, note how in the last line, a comma is used after the quote because a dialogue tag is used instead of an action.

#3. When you use dialogue tags in between two pieces of speech, as the dialogue lines above, use a period instead of a comma if the tag comes after a full sentence. If the tag cuts between a sentence, then use commas. In the third line you’ll notice a bit about tag placement as well.

“In case of an emergency.” Carol announced. “Please use the stairs.” INCORRECT
“In case of an emergency,” Carol announced, “please use the stairs.” CORRECT (note corrected capitalization)
“In case of,” Carol announced, “an emergency, please use the stairs.” INCORRECT (only split the sentence where there would already be a comma.)

“I didn’t know you were in town.” Bill said. “Have you seen the new restaurant?” INCORRECT
“I didn’t know you were in town.” Bill said, “Have you seen the new restaurant?” INCORRECT
“I didn’t know you were in town,” Bill said. “Have you seen the new restaurant?” CORRECT

Another extra tip: When people stumble over their words (when they’re nervous, terrified, embarrassed, or anything like that) they don’t normally talk like they can’t pronounce the word, stuttering and b-b-barely making sense. It’s more like they go back and repeat things or correct things, or mispronounce/mix some words together because they can’t quite think straight.

“I’m r-r-really sorry ab-bout y-y-your c-c-car.” The boy trembled. NO
“Hey, I’m… I’m really sorry about your… you know, your car.” BETTER

This of course doesn’t apply if you’re writing a character who has a speech impediment such as a stutter. Just don’t have them stutter on every. single. word. That would be unrealistic.

That’s all for now! If you have anything you’d like to add or any questions you’d like to ask, leave a comment, and I’ll get back to you personally.